Agree or Disagree: More sex in a relationship makes couples happier

It’s been a while since we have “Agreed or Disagreed”. We have been also spending A LOT of time on politics.

And we need to change it up.

And of course, We should pick an easy topic like sex:)

This linked article suggests that couples having more sex are actually not happier. This is different than comment thought from self-help books.

I’ll let you read this, and then of course ask……

Do you Agree or Disagree with this?

Agree or Disagree: Humans are too obsessed with sex

It’s been a while since we have Agreed or Disagree. Hope you will have a great 2015!

For our first one, I thought we would discuss a favourite subject of many…sex. Some may argue, maybe too much?

Are we humans too obsessed with sex?

This link is from It will argue why some say we are too obsessed with sex. Or, why we aren’t.

What do you think?

Agree or Disagree: Women Love Bad Boys and Dump Nice Guys

We have actually done this topic before,

It was in April of 2013.

However, I thought it would be an interesting conversation to unpack again. Especially with an individual who is advertising an idiotic, seriously  idiotic dating style. I’m not advertising or posting what it is. You know what it is. It doesn’t need my advertisement.

Rather, let’s look at this here. This article looks is titled Why Women Love Bad Boys and Dump Nice Guys.

Then, we will get your thoughts. Do women love bad boys and dump nice guys?

Agree or Disagree: Sweden’s Prostitution Solution would work in Canada

This article has been going around Facebook a little bit.

There are some people that have been very impressed by how Sweden has dealt with prostitution.  As an example, within the last five years Stockholm, the number of women in prostitution  have been reduced by two thirds.  And the number of johns has been reduced by 80%.


Well according to this article, two things.

1)  Criminalizes the buying of sex.

2) Decriminalizes  the selling of sex.

As well as something in their law which says this; This according to the article.

“In Sweden prostitution is regarded as an aspect of male violence against women and children. It is officially acknowledged as a form of exploitation of women and children and constitutes a significant social problem… gender equality will remain unattainable so long as men buy, sell and exploit women and children by prostituting them.”

I’m going to let you read the article, which outlines what has happened quite comprehensively why this works. Then, I will ask you this question.

Can this concept work here in Canada? Or, is this too simplistic of an idea for a complex problem?

What is BDSM?- A perspective from someone who is in the BDSM Community.

A lot has been made since Sunday’s revelation that Jian Ghomeshi relationship ended with CBC. Shortly after CBC made the announcement, Ghomeshi posted an update on his Facebook. This included the following statement;

“Let me be the first to say that my tastes in the bedroom may not be palatable to some folks. They may be strange, enticing, weird, normal, or outright offensive to others. We all have our secret life. But that is my private life. That is my personal life. And no one, and certainly no employer, should have dominion over what people do consensually in their private life. “

This comment, along with other themes on his Facebook post, has led to many different themes of discussion. One of them was the topic of BDSM.

To be clear, and I think many would assume this, I do not know much about BDSM. I have had some conversations, but my opinions and perspective can be effectively denounced as uneducated. However, I do think in the midst of this discussion and debate of what exactly happened with Ghomeshi, it is important to get sone knowledge on what exactly BDSM is.

This is why I approached someone who I know is a member of the community to write a guest post tonight. But first, some clarity.

From my understanding and conversations, many in the BDSM have chosen to keep this a private manner. There are several different reasons for that. Family, confidentiality, fear of judgement. For these reasons, the person and I have agreed that the author be anonymous. I hope you can respect that. I also hope that you respect that this is a perspective, and as you will read, it is one perspective. This person give’s theirs.

So, I hope this gives you a perspective on what BDSM is.  My sense is this debate about Ghomeshi is long way from over. The topic of BDSM and what it is will continue. 

I also ask that you refrain from any judgemental and abusive remarks to the individual. 

Read below.

I never heard the name Jian Ghomeshi before this week and I still don’t really know anything about him. What I do know is that because of this man, it seems the whole country is abuzz. Now I’m not one to decide innocence or guilt, I’ll leave that up to our justice system but I do take issue with anyone being judged based on their sexual orientation or their lifestyle choices. As I said, I’m not one to decide innocence or guilt so I am not going to speculate what happened between Jian and his former lover. What I hope to do is spread an understanding of what BDSM is. I have always been of the belief that the more people understand the less judgmental they become.

I discovered BDSM and more specifically Domination and submission (D/s) nearly ten years ago when I was in my late 30’s. It was at times overwhelming to learn how very different people can be while still all being the same at the end of the day.

Every day of my life I hear some variation of “Oh I can’t do that, it wouldn’t be right” or “You must behave like XYZ, nothing else is acceptable” When I hear this I want to scream, WHY?? Why do we all have to conform? Why can’t we be expressive of what’s inside of us without fear of retribution for being different? Within my community there is a sub-community, a BDSM community, a community where people can be themselves without fear.. Few people in this community use their real name, some because they prefer a nickname but many others because they fear being found out, they fear their employer or family or their Pastor finding out that they enjoy associating with so called sexual deviants.

This fear is very real and it is very justified. People from all walks of life take part in some sort of BDSM activities, this includes Doctors and Lawyers as well as Celebrities, it also includes people who may be going through a divorce with a child custody battle. The fact is that simply associating with the BDSM community can be risky for people who want to protect their privacy. Someone might attend and event because they are fascinated with Shibari (decorative rope bondage considered to be an art form) and they want to learn more, or they may hope to meet a potential partner who is interested in it as well but as they are seen leaving the event the rumors begin to fly, suddenly, instead of being someone who is open minded and interested in an art form they become sexual deviants and are labeled abusers.

The reality of this community is really that of a family that is very protective of it’s members. I know with absolute certainty that if I went to members of the community and said that I need help then I would get help. If I went to members of the community and asked for information they would be sure to get me the information. And you know, it wouldn’t bother me a bit if I was getting that help from a guy who prefers to wear dresses or from a girl who gets completely turned on by Shibari or from someone with bruises on her backside because her partner was having so much fun with his new paddle the night before.

I digress, you don’t want to know about the BDSM community, you want to know about S&M, the juicy stuff.

S&M, Sadomasochism is only part of what BDSM is. I identify as a submissive who might have some masochistic tendencies.

The first thing you need to know is that if whatever is taking place is not 100% consensual then it is not BDSM, it is indeed abuse. But what about the term “consensual non consent”? This would be something that would be discussed at length between partners, they might discuss a scenario in very general terms with the sub or masochist consenting to whatever else might happen. This is not something to take lightly, it is very important that both partners have full trust in each other. Why do the girls in BDSM porn always look terrified and end up crying? Simple answer really, BECAUSE IT’S PORN, it’s not real!! No means no….except in BDSM? This is often true for a few reasons. Think of a small child being tickled and shouting “no” or “stop” so you stop tickling just for him to want you to start again. No and stop are words that we often say instinctively without thought and often without really meaning it. Many people who practice BDSM use safe words, a word that is not used in everyday language that means stop or no. If you were at a BDSM event and heard someone shouting “purple elephant” you could be pretty sure that is their safe word and whatever activity they are engaging in will stop immediately.

Safe words are used because both partners know ahead of time that activities they are engaging in can be risky, they are aware of the risks and they are also aware that sometimes things might go wrong therefore they need a quick easy way to communicate that the activity must stop immediately. S&M activities often stir up deep emotions, ones that we thought were long buried and gone. A safe word may be called because the physical pain has gotten to be more than they can handle (keep in mind we are talking bruises and welts, not broken bones) or a safe word might be called because an unpleasant memory or emotion had surfaced and that partner simply needs to stop play in order to deal with these feelings. But what about when the partner is gagged? Those partners have come up with a way to non verbally safe word, often the masochist will be holding an object in their hand and if they need things to stop they will simply drop the item.

So why do people do this you are probably wondering. Well, if you ask 100 different people you will probably get 100 different answers so I will give you my reasons.

I do it because it’s fun….well it is, and sometimes that’s really the only reason.

The first conclusion I came to to explain why I enjoy this type of play is that I love a challenge and enduring physical pain is an incredible challenge. Fight or flight wants to kick in, but no, I have to win, I have to hold on as long as I can. In the end it is so satisfying, and I have an incredible feeling of accomplishment.

After having done some serious self reflection I did discover another reason why I engage in this type of play. Life is hard, life beats you down sometimes and when it does the world will look at you and wait to see if you can manage to get back up on your own. I have realized that it is less the actual S&M play that I crave but then end of the play session, the time when my partner wraps a soft blanket around me and holds the glass of water for me while he strokes my hair and tells me how amazing I am. You see, life won’t pick you up and make it all better but my partner will.

BDSM is not abuse, it is not about a submissive being weak or about conforming to what anyone else feel they should. BDSM is about being true to yourself, it’s about discovering your own flaws and weaknesses and embracing them so that you can overcome them. It’s about growth and sharing yourself with someone else completely, it’s about being completely honest with yourself and with your partner even if you don’t want the neighbors to know.


Agree or Disagree: Society and the Church approach Sex before marriage totally wrong.

Agree or Disagree: Society and the Church approach Sex before marriage totally wrong.

This is a post  from Connie Jakab about a complex subject. Sex before marriage.

The topic of sex before marriage is a topic that many in the Christian church take and have taken seriously. Many for various reasons will tell you the importance of why they wait. Some will concede specifically because of Scripture. Others will take it a step further and tell you other reasons. 

And while the church have mentioned this in message after message, the fact is there are Christians who have had or will have sex before marriage.  The other fact is, some will never publicly admit it. The reason is many know they will feel condemned, shamed and judged.

Now many in society, or those that used to be part of the Christian church, think this is an unreasonable expectation.  Some might think that this idea is actually archaic. Sex is a natural part of life they might say.  But others actually take the concept of waiting seriously . Maybe they may not wait until marriage, but they will take it seriously.

So, I’ll encourage you to read Connie’s post. Then ask what you think about the concept of sex before marriage? Does the church or society have it right?

Agree or Disagree: Gay or Straight, Open Marriages are healthy.

Agree or Disagree: Gay or Straight, Open Marriages are healthy.

This above article was found in the New York Times back in 2010.

It discusses an interesting study amongst gay relationships. San Francisco State University followed 556 male couples for three years. During that time, about 50 percent of the couples admitted to have sex with someone outside the confines of their relationship. This was with approval of their current partners.

What is interesting according to the study is that because the couples consented to this, it actually did not have a negative impact on the relationship, rather it remained a healthy relationship. Here is a quote from this article.

 “With straight people, it’s called affairs or cheating,” said Colleen Hoff, the study’s principal investigator, “but with gay people it does not have such negative connotations.

Speaking of straight people, the article continues on and discusses that. They interviewed a couple named Deb and Marius. Deb was a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and maintained her virginity until her wedding day at the age of 34. However, during the marriage, the relationship…sputtered was the word they used. They both began liaisons with others. They felt being “open” made their marriage healthy.  Read her quote.

“Our relationship got better,” she said. “I slept better at night. My blood pressure went down.”

Deb and Marius are apparently not the only one. The idea of an open marriage is actually becoming more common.  This is a more current article on the topic.

As an addition, and not to bore you with stats and links, I found this article in Statistics Brain. This is current infidelity stats as of January 1, 2014.

So, what so you think?  Gay or Straight,do you think the idea of an Open Marriage is healthy? 

Agree or Disagree: Christians are not called to have great sex.

Agree or Disagree: Christians are not called to have great sex.

I wish I was making this title up. But this is the title of this article today.

And although their have been steps of change, this I fear is evidence of the perception of the self-righteousness and superiority Christians have shown over sex. Take for example, this statement here from the article.

Although sex is indeed God’s gift to us, Christians are not directly commanded by God to have great sex. Couples may find themselves incompatible in the bedroom, and they should not be bombarded with pressure from the Christian community to start having good sex and lots of it. Instead, they should find support and comfort—support that sex is not the only thing that makes a good marriage, and comfort that historically all Christians have been called by God to suffer through numerous trials.

As well as here.

Sexual incompatibility, therefore, is a cross that some couples bear, and Christian communities could lighten this burden if we made an effort to put sex in its rightful place. If sex were viewed as a gift that, like everything else in this world, is marred by sin, it may be easier for couples to accept that bad sex is neither a reason for divorce nor an excuse to stop investing in a marriage. As with other trials, bad sex is an opportunity to rejoice in suffering (1 Peter 4:13) and to be further conformed to the image of Christ (Romans 8:29).

Although I understand the writer’s point, there is some things that doesn’t sit right with me. 

First, I don’t know which community she is in, but I do not hear or see any pressure for Christians to have more sex. And perhaps this is because, I’m single and the community I’m with is generally single. There isn’t a lot of conversation about sex. I’ve heard conversations about marriage, but not specifically sex.

Secondly, I think as people,we desire much more then one simple thing in a relationship. However, there are two things that seem to come up in my mind when people are looking for a relationship. Simply put, they are compatibility and chemistry. Both on a number of different levels, including attraction and sexuality, but not limited to simply that.

Thirdly, and this is my continued frustration when I hear some Christians talk about this topic. It comes across that the Christians have got this all figured out. Because we read the “Word of God”, we know what is right. We do marriage and relationships correctly. The world sleeps around, gets divorced, and doesn’t value marriage. And I wish this would stop.

If you get to the heart of people, they do desire to be in a healthy holistic relationship. A relationship that values them as people and lasts forever. Just because someone doesn’t read from a Book, it doesn’t mean they have no values.

Just because you read a Book, and it gives you an idea on the “design for marriage”, it doesn’t mean you have it figured out. It also doesn’t mean that you have to live in misery because everything is a test to rejoice in

What it means is as we grow and we learn more about ourselves, we know what we value. Those values leads to better relationships. Those relationships calls all of us to be a better expression of love.

Agree or Disagree: There are realistic reasons why women cheat.

Agree or Disagree: There are realistic reasons why women cheat.

This is an interesting blog from Yahoo today.

The writer, Carson Griffith and dating expert Renee Lee gives 5 reasons why women cheat. 

They are.

1.Going through a transition.

2.Not feeling Adequately celebrated.

3.Feeling a relationship ended.

4.It’s just not fun anymore.

5.It’s Boring in the Bedroom.

There is more detail on the blog as to why.

Do you feel that these or any other reasons for that matter are realistic reasons for one to cheat? Or, would you say there is no excuse?

Agree or Disagree: Women don’t date Nice Guys

Agree or Disagree: Women don’t date Nice Guys

This is an article written in the Stir. It is giving  5 reasons why 5 women would prefer to date a Bad Boy over a Nice Guy.

So to review here they are from the Article. It goes into the detail in the article.

1. It’s hard for some of us to trust a Nice Guy.

2. Bad Boys care about themselves — a lot — and it makes us think they care about us.

3. Nice Guys have their shit together. Bad Boys don’t. Women like a challenge.

4. Some women are afraid of intimacy. The one thing the Bad Boy rarely does is want to become intimate.

5. Some women suffer low self-esteem.

What do you think?