Agree or Disagree: Men prefer to be respected rather than loved.

A while ago, we did discuss a book called Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. The book makes the theory that women seek to be loved, and men seek to be respected. I generally disagreed with the premise that the book gave.

This week something interesting happened. I was texting with a friend how excited I was that this month we broke 1,000 views on my blog. At this typing we passed 1,200 views.  Just on a side note, thank you for coming and checking out the blog. Im truly honoured.

Anyway, in the midst of our text conversation, I almost texted out these words.

I just want to be respected.

I thought this was in part because for many years, I felt like I wasn’t respected. I’ve worked really hard to change that. I have learned I can’t change perceptions or please people, but focus on the things that you need to change. In time the people that choose to notice, will.

But another thing happened.  I noticed that I said I just want to be respected, I didn’t say I want to be loved. (Although that’s true too).  I wondered if this was a man thing and would prefer respect over love?

What do you think?


3 responses to “Agree or Disagree: Men prefer to be respected rather than loved.

  1. Are these mutually exclusive? If not, could some acts convey both respect and love? Thus, the question may lose a lot of significance in this case. That would be my initial take as part of me is slightly peeved by the question.

    If I were to consider these as different things that could be ordered on some basis, I’d likely think this boils down to the individual. While I am a guy, I’d rather be loved than respected. Social styles can play a role here as my social style tends to be motivated by acceptance and intimacy while another is motivated by results and respect. In contrast, Ephesians 5:33 states that wives are to respect their husbands which could well be the initial source for what starts these kinds of conversations.

  2. Well, if we base it only on one isolated passage without any cultural or textual context, then yes, men should have respect and women should have love; end of story. Of course, I haven’t read the book (except the first few pages, which frankly really got under my skin), but I have heard it discussed ad nauseam. Some women have come away in tears, assuming their husbands don’t want their love. If we simply take a quick skip through the Bible, we also find that women indeed do not necessarily swoon over their husbands (love them naturally, as is often claimed) and sometimes have to learn to love their husbands (Titus 2:4). Husbands, on the other hand, were in one place commanded to honor/respect their wives (1 Peter 3:7). I know any scripture can be explained away, and I’m walking on thin ice to bring up the cultural thing; it’s there, nonetheless. The epistles were written to real people and the letters often addressed specific problems in the church or area to whom they were written. Were the men being harsh? Were the women being the aforementioned b******? (Aug. 30 blog) Who knows? I find it interesting that the FB comments indicate that the men often want both. Women insist that men want respect. What does love and respect look like for each person? That’s part of the fun of discovering each other and our individual needs.
    I’ll just briefly mention that much of our own cultural context comes into play as well. We’re moving closer to, or perhaps are entrenched in, a female dominated society. Gender equality has stripped us (sometimes literally) of the fabulous uniqueness of gender. I never want my husband to find a feminine side; that implies that men are brute beasts and life would be much grander if they’d just be more femmie. Yuck!! Women, on the other hand, want to prove that they can muscle a 300 pound man from a burning building and have no need for pretty stuff. Ok, wear what you want, honey, but try as you might, the female form and face are pretty. Get over it. Christians sometimes overreact (you know, only sometimes) and jump on pet passages that will rescue them from the evils of our culture, even if that means we suck them mercilessly from their context.
    So… men… since you’re the authority on what men want, what do you want? I’m female, been married for 26 years and if your wife is anything like me she wants respect (don’t treat her like a lame brained idiot, but someone with value and dignity) and love (tenderness, affection and yes, passion).
    Whew! I got my say! ;o)

  3. A man who is respected by his significant other is a man who feels loved in a relationship. A man who is respected for what he does for a living is a man who loves what he does for a living.

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