Agree or Disagree: Women Love Bad Boys and Dump Nice Guys


We have actually done this topic before,

It was in April of 2013.

However, I thought it would be an interesting conversation to unpack again. Especially with an individual who is advertising an idiotic, seriously  idiotic dating style. I’m not advertising or posting what it is. You know what it is. It doesn’t need my advertisement.

Rather, let’s look at this here. This article looks is titled Why Women Love Bad Boys and Dump Nice Guys.

Then, we will get your thoughts. Do women love bad boys and dump nice guys?

What is BDSM?- A perspective from someone who is in the BDSM Community.


A lot has been made since Sunday’s revelation that Jian Ghomeshi relationship ended with CBC. Shortly after CBC made the announcement, Ghomeshi posted an update on his Facebook. This included the following statement;

“Let me be the first to say that my tastes in the bedroom may not be palatable to some folks. They may be strange, enticing, weird, normal, or outright offensive to others. We all have our secret life. But that is my private life. That is my personal life. And no one, and certainly no employer, should have dominion over what people do consensually in their private life. “

This comment, along with other themes on his Facebook post, has led to many different themes of discussion. One of them was the topic of BDSM.

To be clear, and I think many would assume this, I do not know much about BDSM. I have had some conversations, but my opinions and perspective can be effectively denounced as uneducated. However, I do think in the midst of this discussion and debate of what exactly happened with Ghomeshi, it is important to get sone knowledge on what exactly BDSM is.

This is why I approached someone who I know is a member of the community to write a guest post tonight. But first, some clarity.

From my understanding and conversations, many in the BDSM have chosen to keep this a private manner. There are several different reasons for that. Family, confidentiality, fear of judgement. For these reasons, the person and I have agreed that the author be anonymous. I hope you can respect that. I also hope that you respect that this is a perspective, and as you will read, it is one perspective. This person give’s theirs.

So, I hope this gives you a perspective on what BDSM is.  My sense is this debate about Ghomeshi is long way from over. The topic of BDSM and what it is will continue. 

I also ask that you refrain from any judgemental and abusive remarks to the individual. 

Read below.

I never heard the name Jian Ghomeshi before this week and I still don’t really know anything about him. What I do know is that because of this man, it seems the whole country is abuzz. Now I’m not one to decide innocence or guilt, I’ll leave that up to our justice system but I do take issue with anyone being judged based on their sexual orientation or their lifestyle choices. As I said, I’m not one to decide innocence or guilt so I am not going to speculate what happened between Jian and his former lover. What I hope to do is spread an understanding of what BDSM is. I have always been of the belief that the more people understand the less judgmental they become.

I discovered BDSM and more specifically Domination and submission (D/s) nearly ten years ago when I was in my late 30’s. It was at times overwhelming to learn how very different people can be while still all being the same at the end of the day.

Every day of my life I hear some variation of “Oh I can’t do that, it wouldn’t be right” or “You must behave like XYZ, nothing else is acceptable” When I hear this I want to scream, WHY?? Why do we all have to conform? Why can’t we be expressive of what’s inside of us without fear of retribution for being different? Within my community there is a sub-community, a BDSM community, a community where people can be themselves without fear.. Few people in this community use their real name, some because they prefer a nickname but many others because they fear being found out, they fear their employer or family or their Pastor finding out that they enjoy associating with so called sexual deviants.

This fear is very real and it is very justified. People from all walks of life take part in some sort of BDSM activities, this includes Doctors and Lawyers as well as Celebrities, it also includes people who may be going through a divorce with a child custody battle. The fact is that simply associating with the BDSM community can be risky for people who want to protect their privacy. Someone might attend and event because they are fascinated with Shibari (decorative rope bondage considered to be an art form) and they want to learn more, or they may hope to meet a potential partner who is interested in it as well but as they are seen leaving the event the rumors begin to fly, suddenly, instead of being someone who is open minded and interested in an art form they become sexual deviants and are labeled abusers.

The reality of this community is really that of a family that is very protective of it’s members. I know with absolute certainty that if I went to members of the community and said that I need help then I would get help. If I went to members of the community and asked for information they would be sure to get me the information. And you know, it wouldn’t bother me a bit if I was getting that help from a guy who prefers to wear dresses or from a girl who gets completely turned on by Shibari or from someone with bruises on her backside because her partner was having so much fun with his new paddle the night before.

I digress, you don’t want to know about the BDSM community, you want to know about S&M, the juicy stuff.

S&M, Sadomasochism is only part of what BDSM is. I identify as a submissive who might have some masochistic tendencies.

The first thing you need to know is that if whatever is taking place is not 100% consensual then it is not BDSM, it is indeed abuse. But what about the term “consensual non consent”? This would be something that would be discussed at length between partners, they might discuss a scenario in very general terms with the sub or masochist consenting to whatever else might happen. This is not something to take lightly, it is very important that both partners have full trust in each other. Why do the girls in BDSM porn always look terrified and end up crying? Simple answer really, BECAUSE IT’S PORN, it’s not real!! No means no….except in BDSM? This is often true for a few reasons. Think of a small child being tickled and shouting “no” or “stop” so you stop tickling just for him to want you to start again. No and stop are words that we often say instinctively without thought and often without really meaning it. Many people who practice BDSM use safe words, a word that is not used in everyday language that means stop or no. If you were at a BDSM event and heard someone shouting “purple elephant” you could be pretty sure that is their safe word and whatever activity they are engaging in will stop immediately.

Safe words are used because both partners know ahead of time that activities they are engaging in can be risky, they are aware of the risks and they are also aware that sometimes things might go wrong therefore they need a quick easy way to communicate that the activity must stop immediately. S&M activities often stir up deep emotions, ones that we thought were long buried and gone. A safe word may be called because the physical pain has gotten to be more than they can handle (keep in mind we are talking bruises and welts, not broken bones) or a safe word might be called because an unpleasant memory or emotion had surfaced and that partner simply needs to stop play in order to deal with these feelings. But what about when the partner is gagged? Those partners have come up with a way to non verbally safe word, often the masochist will be holding an object in their hand and if they need things to stop they will simply drop the item.

So why do people do this you are probably wondering. Well, if you ask 100 different people you will probably get 100 different answers so I will give you my reasons.

I do it because it’s fun….well it is, and sometimes that’s really the only reason.

The first conclusion I came to to explain why I enjoy this type of play is that I love a challenge and enduring physical pain is an incredible challenge. Fight or flight wants to kick in, but no, I have to win, I have to hold on as long as I can. In the end it is so satisfying, and I have an incredible feeling of accomplishment.

After having done some serious self reflection I did discover another reason why I engage in this type of play. Life is hard, life beats you down sometimes and when it does the world will look at you and wait to see if you can manage to get back up on your own. I have realized that it is less the actual S&M play that I crave but then end of the play session, the time when my partner wraps a soft blanket around me and holds the glass of water for me while he strokes my hair and tells me how amazing I am. You see, life won’t pick you up and make it all better but my partner will.

BDSM is not abuse, it is not about a submissive being weak or about conforming to what anyone else feel they should. BDSM is about being true to yourself, it’s about discovering your own flaws and weaknesses and embracing them so that you can overcome them. It’s about growth and sharing yourself with someone else completely, it’s about being completely honest with yourself and with your partner even if you don’t want the neighbors to know.

.

Agree or Disagree: Ello will be the anti-Facebook


Introducing Ello

Have you noticed that there is many Social Networks out there now? Quite frankly, there is too many to count.

But,we have another one coming into our midst.

The above link will greet you to Ello. A new Social Network.

What is Ello?

Well, this is their Manifesto. Right from their site

Your social network is owned by advertisers.

Every post you share, every friend you make and every link you follow is tracked, recorded and converted into data. Advertisers buy your data so they can show you more ads. You are the product that’s bought and sold.

We believe there is a better way. We believe in audacity. We believe in beauty, simplicity and transparency. We believe that the people who make things and the people who use them should be in partnership.

We believe a social network can be a tool for empowerment. Not a tool to deceive, coerce and manipulate — but a place to connect, create and celebrate life.

In other words, they are trying to be the anti-Facebook. Their words. Not mine.

Now, let’s have a quick chat about Facebook. Apparently, there is some disenchantment by how Facebook is being run. Some of you don’t like the advertisements. Or, how some people can see your posts and how some can’t.

However, it seems many of you still use it. I still use it. As a matter of fact, this post will be on Facebook.

Now let’s have a quick chat about Ello.

Two things struck me. It’s common for Social Networks to establish invites. I get that. What I didn’t get was the email response to my invite which was this.

Thank you for your interest in Ello.

We will invite you as soon as we can. Ello is currently in beta, and we are inviting new users in small groups as we roll out new features.

In the meantime, please share our Manifesto — and help us spread the word.

I was turned off by this. If you are going to tell me to get an invite, well why are you telling me that you aren’t ready for an invite? I wasn’t impressed by this. It strikes me as arrogant. It strikes me as unprepared. It strikes me as elitist. I admit this is an instant reaction, but first impressions stick sometimes.

Anyway, the early theory of Ello is it will be the anti-Facebook

Here is an article you can read from the BBC about Ello. Read http://www.bbc.com/news/technology-29409541

So, let’s ask a couple of questions.

Are you losing interest in Facebook? Why?

Are you interested in Ello? What are you expecting from this Network?

Normally I post an Agree or Disagree at this point….But this is a must read.


I typically post a an Agree or Disagree at this point.
However, we have debated and discussed forever about the relationship between Christians and LGBT. We have criticized many Christians behaviour and actions.
However, this is some kudos. Read this response from a Christian Pastor if he found out his kids were gay.

And of course, discuss.

Read here.

Agree or Disagree: The Podcast-Finding Great People Great Dates


met with Myke Macapiniac and  Erin Skye Kelly to discuss two projects that they are involve in two separate projects.

Myke is trying to get girls to meet good men. He has a project called the Social Man Project. He discusses how men can be more successful at dating.

Erin is having a divorce and transition weekend at the Banff Springs Hotel. It will run from October 3-5.

Topics we discuss include:

Agree or Disagree: It’s tough to date after divorce.
Myke’s perspective on men’s options on dating in Calgary.
Erin’s perspective on women’s option on dating in Calgary..

Their projects.

A contest in which you can win prizes. Quite Simply, if you mention to Myke and Erin that you heard of their projects through Agree or Disagree: The Podcast, you will win some great prizes!

You need to listen to find out. Click here to learn how to get a great date!

Search for Social Men Project on Facebook.

ModernBlindDates.com

Follow Erin

@erinskyekelly

Follow Myke

@mykemacapinlac

Follow me

@kevole

@AorDThePodcast

Add me on Facebook

Kevin Olenick

Like

Agree or Disagree: The Podcast

Agree or Disagree: It’s tough to be dating after your are divorced


Divorce and Singles Transition Weekend

You may have heard of this event coming up next weekend.

It is a Divorce and Singles Transition Weekend coming up on October 3-5 at the Banff Springs Hotel. The host is Erin Skye Kelly. Who, incidentally, will be joining me on an Agree or Disagree: The Podcast to discuss this event. The above link is a Facebook Invite.

Now, I have never been married. So, this would also mean, I have never been divorced. But several of you have been divorced. You know the difficulties and the challenges the dating game after your divorced. Mentally, spirtually and emotionally.

As I mentioned, Erin will be joining us on the Podcast to give the event some more depth. So, I give you some questions to discuss.

What challenges are there dating after divorce?

If you are divorced, would you, or have you dated someone who has not been divorced? Why or why not?

If you have never been divorced, would or have you dated someone who has been divorced?

Agree or Disagree: Gay Rights groups should be angered by the ” rugby marriage”


Agree or Disagree: Gay Rights groups should be angered by this “marriage”

Have you heard of the marriage of Travis McIntosh and Matt McCormick?

They are in New Zealand they got married!

Isn’t that exciting? Another happy marriage! It is another progress for the LGBT movement right?

Well……..no.

The reason? Travis and Matt are not gay. They are straight.

The other reason? They got married to win rugby tickets. You read that right. Rugby tickets.

McIntosh and McCormick tied the knot got hitched at a rugby stadium. 60 of their closest friends and tens of thousands were listening live.

This has caused anger from some gay rights groups.

In the above article from The Sydney Morning Herald, Alex Greenwich, an independent MP for Sydney and former convenes of Australian Marriage Equality is quoted as saying this.

“It essentially makes a mockery of marriage. Marriage is a really important institution about love and commitment and it’s sad to see that there are people who are making a joke out of that.”

What do you think? Is this something people standing for gay marriage should be upset about?